There was a time, a few years ago, when I would refer my new psychotherapy clients to a video clip of an appearance by the comedian Louis C.K. on Conan O’Brien’s talk show. What begins as a funny bit about why Louis C.K. thinks cellphones are bad for teenagers turns into a thoughtful rumination on the way we use cellphones to avoid dealing with pain in life — which becomes a touching plea for feeling our feelings. “You’re lucky to live sad moments,” he says, after recounting a powerful experience of loneliness in his own life. “I was grateful to feel sad, and then I met it with true, profound happiness.”
So many of my new clients arrive at my office feeling numb, depleted and anxious. They are afraid to touch the big feelings that lie underneath. Sharing Louis C.K.’s riff on emotions and anxiety was a playful way to reassure them: It’s O.K., we all struggle with this stuff, and there truly is something rewarding at the end of this work.
I don’t share that Louis C.K. clip anymore, not since November 2017, when five female comedians publicly described inappropriate behavior by him, including occasions on which he masturbated in front of them — stories that he confirmed.
I didn’t stop sharing the video just because of what he did; I also stopped because of how he handled the fallout from these revelations. His initial apology was rushed and sloppy and did not fully own up to all of his behavior, though he did vow to “step back and take a long time to listen.” Instead, he ducked out of the public eye for about 10 months, only to reappear on stage without much in the way of discussion about his absence, save for how bad this ordeal was for him and how much money he lost. In a Long Island comedy club last month, he seemed to go out of his way to be offensive and bullying, even mocking survivors of the school shooting in Parkland, Fla. He left the public eye in 2017 promising to listen, but has returned having learned seemingly nothing.
The great disappointment for those of us who were fans of Louis C.K.’s work is how strongly his behavior cuts against our original sense of him. This was a man who seemed able to connect deeply and authentically with his own messy experiences, and in doing so he invited us to embrace our own messy realities. Was it all an act? Some might answer yes — that we now know who the real Louis C.K. is.
But I am holding out hope for something better from him. As a psychotherapist, I often see men and women at their worst, so I know that a person who harms himself or who has harmed someone else is not defined only by that behavior. That truth is demonstrated by his presence in my office. I get to witness the drive for healing and repair alongside a patient’s suffering.
Many of my clients are men who have hurt women. Cheating or assaultive husbands, bullies, abusive co-workers, these men often come to therapy first to make sense of the hurt they have caused other people — hurt that is often a consequence of wounds they themselves carry. Yet they often make every effort to steer the topic to anything else. Even when we discuss it, they protect themselves by minimizing (“it was just one time and I was drunk”), obscuring (“back when all of that drama happened”) and placing the blame elsewhere (“everyone is out to get me”). They’re afraid to fully face their wrongdoing — not just the repercussions, but also the deep shame they would feel in acknowledging the truth.
I struggle with how to work with men like this. In spite of their actions, I often find them likable. Paradoxically, I would not be able to work with them if I didn’t like and care about them. It is always tempting to give in to that impulse, to absolve them of their guilt, to reassure them that they are still good men in spite of what they have done. But that would be morally unconscionable — and more important, it would not bring them healing.
Real healing emerges only when I accompany them to whatever dark place it is that they have worked so hard to avoid. There is always a moment where this comes to the forefront, where a patient’s casual-seeming phrase becomes an opportunity to explore his avoidance of painful realities. “Do you notice,” I might say, “how you keep focusing on how angry your wife is with you? Could we take some time to sit with how you feel toward yourself?” Or: “What if instead of ‘I only lash out when I’m drunk’ you say it again, but this time as ‘I lashed out at my wife last night’?”
My clients are often surprised by this, but they come to understand what I mean. Speaking to your real experience is the only way for your true feelings to emerge. And when they do, something changes. Inevitably, anger at themselves emerges. “I feel sick,” they might say, or “I’d like to knock some sense into myself.” In those moments, I feel relieved to see their conscience re-emerge, and I make it a point to share my relief with them. “It would be much more disturbing to me,” I might say, “if you didn’t feel that way.”
Many feelings come up in these moments, but almost always anger gives way relief — sometimes in the form of tears, sometimes as just a sense of calm. Permission to feel angry and disgusted with our actions is reassuring and mobilizing. These moments allow my clients to begin to do the work of truly understanding themselves, so that they can be the men they want to be and start to make amends.
Which leads me back to my disappointment with Louis C.K.’s return to the stage. If he’s changed at all, he seems to have transformed into an online troll intent on shocking and provoking. The sort of courage and honest self-reflection that my clients draw on for their healing is what I admired about Louis C.K.’s best work: It embraced uncomfortable feelings and uncomfortable realities. He demanded that we get to know our true selves better. Now he just wants a cheap laugh at someone else’s expense.
Imagine what Louis C.K. could do with his failings if he tackled them head-on. I’m not talking about a fairy-tale ending. He will always have to live with his shame. The women he mistreated will always have to live with what he took from them. But he could give us a singular gift by helping us engage with why men take advantage of women in this way and why they double down to avoid blame and responsibility.
Louis C.K. was right when he said that gratitude and joy follow sadness. And in the same way, relief, honor and a sense of purpose follow facing ourselves and our actions.
Details have been altered to protect patient privacy.
Avi Klein is a psychotherapist.
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红虎网919945【怎】【么】【短】【短】【几】【天】【就】【让】【他】【住】【了】【卧】【室】？ 【看】【来】【这】【个】【少】【年】【在】【大】【小】【姐】【心】【里】【的】【地】【位】【还】【蛮】【高】【的】。 【不】【过】【那】【个】【少】【年】【好】【像】【有】【点】【眼】【熟】【啊】…… 【他】【总】【觉】【得】【自】【己】【应】【该】【见】【过】【他】【的】，【可】【是】【怎】【么】【也】【想】【不】【起】【来】【了】。 “【怎】【么】【了】【吗】？【王】【叔】？” 【门】【外】【半】【天】【没】【有】【动】【静】，【王】【管】【家】【又】【不】【是】【那】【种】【一】【声】【不】【吭】【就】【离】【开】【的】【人】。 【听】【到】【南】【妤】【潇】【的】【声】【音】，【王】【管】【家】【回】【过】【神】
“【咳】【咳】~~” “【咳】【咳】~~” 【夕】【阳】【西】【垂】，【漫】【天】【的】【星】【辉】【满】【上】【就】【要】【被】【青】【色】【的】【铁】【幕】【彻】【底】【掩】【盖】。 【为】【这】【个】【世】【界】【披】【上】【一】【层】【灰】【色】【的】【纱】【衣】。 【经】【过】【一】【天】【的】【逃】【遁】，【王】【轩】【最】【后】【发】【现】，【这】【里】【的】【人】【的】【反】【应】【比】【自】【己】【想】【象】【中】【的】【还】【要】【迅】【捷】，【敏】【锐】。 【激】【烈】【的】【战】【斗】，【虽】【然】【没】【有】【引】【来】【更】【多】【地】【人】【关】【注】， 【然】【而】【现】【实】【总】【归】【有】【着】【疏】【漏】【的】【存】【在】， 【在】
【韶】【光】【看】【着】【刘】【北】【辰】，【确】【实】【你】【家】【的】【你】【比】【谁】【都】【清】【楚】。 【韶】【光】【突】【然】【想】【到】【什】【么】，【他】【家】【的】，【对】【啊】【他】【家】【的】。 “【你】【说】【你】【是】【不】【是】【找】【人】【把】【这】【里】【清】【场】【了】？”【韶】【光】【突】【然】【问】【到】【这】【个】【问】【题】，【刘】【北】【辰】【心】【里】【惊】【了】【一】【下】，【然】【后】【依】【旧】【面】【不】【改】【色】【的】【反】【问】【韶】【光】“【我】【有】【这】【么】【矫】【情】【吗】？” 【韶】【光】【没】【说】【话】，【刘】【北】【辰】【又】【说】【道】：“【别】【多】【想】【了】，【你】【就】【好】【好】【玩】【吧】，【小】【小】【年】【纪】【心】
【排】【名】【战】【加】【快】【了】【速】【度】，【本】【来】【预】【计】【三】【天】【的】【时】【间】【决】【出】【最】【后】【的】【名】【次】，【在】【张】【灵】【的】【干】【涉】【下】，【一】【天】【半】【就】【结】【束】【了】。 【看】【着】【面】【前】【广】【场】【上】【这】【累】【的】【跟】【狗】【一】【样】【的】31【人】，【张】【灵】【心】【里】【很】【满】【意】【的】【点】【点】【头】。 【实】【战】【不】【可】【避】【免】【会】【有】【牺】【牲】，【但】【是】【仅】【仅】【只】【牺】【牲】【了】5【个】【人】，【还】【是】【在】【张】【灵】【意】【料】【之】【外】【的】，【这】【说】【明】【他】【们】【的】【实】【力】【确】【实】【不】【错】。 “【你】【们】【很】【不】【错】，【有】【资】【格】【成】红虎网919945【而】【方】【允】【华】【只】【是】【站】【在】【旁】【边】【一】【动】【不】【动】，【见】【我】【向】【他】【瞅】【来】，【竟】【向】【我】【微】【微】【点】【了】【点】【头】。 【我】【十】【分】【抗】【拒】【的】【向】【后】【退】【了】【退】，【这】【位】【老】【人】【家】【貌】【似】【容】【易】【暴】【起】【伤】【人】，【虽】【然】【明】【知】【道】【是】【自】【己】【的】【奶】【奶】，【依】【旧】【不】【敢】【轻】【易】【靠】【近】。 【人】【家】【不】【待】【见】【自】【己】，【难】【道】【还】【上】【赶】【着】【去】【巴】【结】？ “【小】【家】【伙】【还】【挺】【记】【仇】【的】，【我】【只】【是】【试】【探】【试】【探】【你】【的】【功】【夫】，【果】【然】【有】【两】【下】【子】，【竟】【然】【跟】【着】【你】
【吃】【屁】【吃】！ 【秦】【橙】【有】【点】【想】【骂】【人】，【莫】【名】【的】【烦】【躁】【让】【她】【没】【有】【办】【法】【冷】【静】【下】【来】。【为】【此】，【秦】【橙】【不】【得】【不】【努】【力】【克】【制】【自】【己】【内】【心】【一】【股】【股】【涌】【上】【来】【的】【情】【绪】。 【秦】【橙】【气】【闷】【之】【下】，【也】【不】【去】【思】【考】【为】【什】【么】【这】【里】【莫】【名】【其】【妙】【多】【了】【苹】【果】【这】【一】【项】，【也】【不】【思】【考】【无】【尽】【深】【渊】【里】【面】【长】【出】【来】【的】【东】【西】【能】【不】【能】【吃】，【也】【不】【去】【想】【那】【小】【房】【子】【里】【的】【莫】【名】【智】【慧】【生】【物】【还】【在】【不】【在】，【她】【现】【在】【只】【想】【暴】【走】。